Cancer Cure

I didn’t always plan on being a high school science teacher. Or a yoga teacher. Or a writer, or a mom, or whatever it is that I am.

I planned on being a doctor.

There was a time when that dream meant veterinarian, but gradually it shifted, to naturopathic doctor.

That’s basically like a real doctor – you go to medical school, you get your hands dirty, then you treat patients. Naturopathic doctors (NDs) use conventional medicine alongside alternatives such as herbs, diet, and other hippie stuff.

I read everything I could find on natural remedies and herbal medicines, like Tyler’s Honest Herbal. I had a whole shelf of reference books and pages of notes on each plant. I grew chamomile and snacked on its bitter little flowers like they were jellybeans. I cut long sprigs of mint and stuck them into my water bottles. I smoked mullein leaves when I had a cough (it made it worse) and drank valerian root tea to sleep better (it tasted like ass). I eyed naturopathic medical schools in Arizona and New Mexico. I told others about my dream.

Somehow, I ended up at an old man’s house in Newport, NC – he was a friend of a friend of a friend. Word was, that man made his own herbal remedies, and he knew the cure for cancer.

This guy was probably in his seventies, a little stooped but not yet showing signs of slowing down. He made all sorts of potions. He had an operation going – big pots for boiling, buckets and pails full of his cures, glass jars and vials for distributing. He made bathtubs full of his special cancer cure and bottled it up in milk jugs to give to sick folks. He said it worked.

Now, don’t get the idea that he was in it for the money. He often didn’t charge a thing. He did it because he thought it helped, and maybe it did.

He told me the recipe, and I wrote it down. I’ve never attempted to make it. My obsessive interest in herbal medicine died out gradually over the next few years. As always, it was more about reading every book and learning everything I could than actually using that knowledge. Once I knew it all, I was content to forget it and never care about it again. There’s probably some psychological term for this condition, and it’s not a nice one.

Home remedies abound. Tell someone about your health problem, and they’ll give you advice that no doctor would. That does not necessarily mean it’s good advice. The opposite is more likely true.

For example, I was at the park the other day, when my five-year-old got a splinter in his foot. He had been in the woods, accessing his secret stash of bamboo sticks.

As a child, I lived right behind that park; my brother and I cut a trail through the woods to get to the play set. I remembered there was a stand of bamboo, and I took my five-year-old there to find the best sticks. He’s a stick connoisseur. Bamboo is prized for its strength and the whistling sound it makes when slashing through the air. He hid the sticks under a bush along the edge of the woods, so he could get one whenever he wanted. Brilliant.

But he was barefoot (he strongly resists shoes) and got a splinter. We found out later that he also got poison ivy on the soles of his feet, a terrible place to experience that rash. Lesson learned? No. He’s still been barefoot every chance he gets.

I was trying to get that splinter out with my Swiss Army knife tweezers when one of the other moms, the one who sits in her own beach chair rather than the picnic tables (for back support), spoke up.

“Just put some black salve on it when you get home.”

“Some what?”

“Black salve.”

“Is that what your grandmother used? After she gave you a dose of cocaine and lead?”

“Yeah, that kind of thing.”

She told me that it dissolves the splinter. Next day, it’s gone.

I Googled it. First website that came up was the FDA warning “Do Not Use: Black Salve is Dangerous.” Turns out it can eat through your nose. People have used it to remove cancers and ended up worse than they started. It’s the reason you don’t choose unproven home remedies.

But she swears by it.

So, the following recipe for a “Cancer Cure” is to be taken with the same caution, awareness, or not at all, as black salve.

Cancer Cure

• 2lbs burdock root
• 1lb sheep sorrel
• 1/4lb slippery elm bark
• 1oz rhubarb root

Boil 1 cup herbs in 2 gallons water for 10-12 minutes. Let sit 10 hours in pot with lid on. Reheat and strain twice through a clean white cloth. Bring to boil and preserve in mason jars. Use only stainless steel or agate pots.

Or, leave it to the professionals, and support those on their healing journeys, like my aunt, who has been undergoing treatment for a year now, bless her heart.

We can’t all be doctors, but we can all give others the best medicine – laughter and love.

by Jessi Waugh