Is Your Refrigerator Running?

Before Christmas break, I volunteered at the primary school, so teachers could attend their holiday luncheon. My kids’ classes were already covered. “Put me anywhere you need me,” I said. They needed me in the EC (Exceptional Children) class, so that’s where I went.

Before the teacher left, he wrote his phone number on the board, in case all hell broke loose. There was another adult with me, but she was a substitute, and it was her first time in an EC classroom, too. Though I taught high school for eleven years and have been substituting in a range of classes over the last few months, this was a new challenge. There were only eight children in that room, but it seemed like many more.

We did our best, and it went smoothly enough. We took them to the courtyard, where we had a nice time playing ball, chasing, and sitting in the sun. We had it under control, really, and everyone was having a decent time, until the end.

Five minutes before the real teacher was supposed to return, we came back inside. We did not succeed in creating an orderly line and walking slowly to the classroom. Two kids started crying (each because of the other), and one darted off down the the hallway, to use the “poo-poo potty.” There weren’t enough adults to go around. I took off after the runner, but not before quickly dialing the number on the board. A man answered the phone.

“We need you back now!” I said. “Jason’s in the poo-poo potty, and two kids are crying. We need your help, it’s time.”

“Who is this?”

I’d called a wrong number. That poor stranger. I bet he’s still worried about the poo-poo potty and crying kids.

At my critique group that afternoon, one of the writers shared a story about rotary phones and growing up with landlines. We had numbers memorized back then; most of us can still remember them. We can rattle off our childhood phone number but not our current one. Cell phones have their advantages, but they’ve been the death of memory. And of prank calls.

Before caller ID, prank calls were easy. You’d call any old number and ask if Ben Dover was there, or, as in the title of this post, if the refrigerator was running. Yeah? Then you’d better go catch it!

I’d call my dad’s work number and pretend to be just about anyone – pizza delivery, the president, police. Once I left a message as a disgruntled customer, and his boss overhead it, assumed it was legit, and chastised my father. Highlight of my prank calling career.

Close second is the time I called my mom to pick me up at 2am because I was too drunk to drive home. She’d always offered to help if needed. I waited until she was leaving the house before telling her I was just next door. Serves her right for being kind and responsible.

I want to teach my children the lost art of prank calling, but how? There’s *67, but who answers blocked numbers? The folks at my group suggested buying a burner phone, but is that going too far? And what about the “gossip bench” I saw for sale at the thrift store, the conjoined chair and tiny table. Should I buy one for use during prank calls? How important is this?

I suspect it may be crucial. Perhaps we’ll dial those phone numbers I memorized twenty years ago and see if their refrigerator is running. All I’m saying, is that if a kid calls during winter break and asks if Chris B. Chicken is there, have your response ready.

– Jessi Waugh